Day 27: Making Friends And Creating A Community In Your New Home

Dear 40 Days To Your New Life In Europe Student,

From the first day of your overseas adventure, take the time and make the effort to make friends, with both fellow expats and the locals.

Not only because you don’t want to live a life of solitude in your new home… but, also (thinking more pragmatically), your new friends could save you lots of time and trouble.

We knew not a soul in Ireland when we moved to Waterford in the late 90s. Looking back now, we realize how much that slowed us down. It took us several years to accomplish in Ireland the things (setting up housekeeping, establishing an office, and, finally, developing a circle of local friends) that we accomplished after only a year in Panama. There, our transition from outsider to local (broadly speaking; no one mistook us for Panamanians when they saw us walking down the street, of course) was seriously fast-tracked.

What’s the difference? When we moved to Ireland, we’d visited that country but a handful of times, and only for a week or 10 days at a stretch, before becoming residents. On the other hand, we had been spending time and doing business in Panama, visiting for as long as six weeks at a time, for more than 12 years before we made our move to Panama City. In that time, we’d bought real estate in this city, opened bank accounts, installed Wi-Fi, renovated buildings, hired staff, shopped for appliances…

Before we arrived as full-time foreign residents, we already knew how to get around and where to go for help. We didn’t have to place any of those “where do I go to find such-and-such” calls that our friend Chris made during his first several weeks living here. We knew from our own experience where to source the things we needed.

You aren’t likely going to invest in a dozen years of pre-retirement visits to your chosen European haven, and that’s not what we’re suggesting. Our point is that the quicker you get connected on the ground in your new home, the easier it will be for you to navigate the initial transition from visitor to resident. It’s all about who you know. Our friend Chris didn’t come and go from Panama City for a dozen years before deciding to move here. Yet his getting-settled curve was slight, because he had our phone number on speed dial.

How can you get yourself connected in a new country? The internet. It’s not the place, as we’ve explained, to settle on a new home to buy or rent. It’s not the place to look for an attorney or tax adviser. But it is a good place to begin your efforts to make contact with expats and retirees already where you’ve just arrived.

Go to a search engine and type in “expat resources” or “blog” along with the country name. Sign up for and read free e-letter services intended for expats in your chosen Shangri-la. This can be a great first step to becoming part of your new expat community.

In addition, worldwide, general expat organizations welcome new members. Our friend Lucy, living in the south of France, recommends the International Women’s Club (known as the WIC; go to your search browser and type in “International Women’s Club” plus the name of the city or country where you’ll be living to find the local chapter), a group of expat women who meet monthly. Many nationalities are represented, including French, English, German, Dutch, American, and Danish. In France, where Lucy belongs to the WIC, the monthly meetings are conducted in English and French, and the annual membership fee is 55 euros. The husbands of WIC members also go on excursions and organize regular meetings.

You want also to try to connect with your new local neighbors.

Our first friends in Ireland were tradesmen. We were working full-time, departing for the office early each morning and returning home in time for dinner each evening, leaving little opportunity for socializing. Whatever free time we had during our first two years in the country we invested in renovating and then furnishing and decorating the old house in the country we’d bought to make our new home. The general contractor for the project, Noel; the crew Noel brought on board to carry out the work; the cabinetmaker, John, we engaged to build our new kitchen and the bookcases for the library; the architect, David, who drafted plans for converting one of the barns into a guesthouse—these people became our closest friends in Waterford, and we stay in contact with them still.

How do you like to spend your free time? Whatever your favorite hobby, you’ll find like-minded enthusiasts in your new home, if you make the effort to seek them out. This is a great way to begin to build a new circle of friends, both expat and local.

Another way to meet locals is to hang out where they do. Eat at the restaurants where they eat. Linger in the parks and at the cafés where they also sit to watch the world go by. Learn basic phrases, for example, “It’s hot out today,” as conversation starters. Even such a simple gesture will get you a smile, a friendly response, and maybe a new friend.

In France, our first local friends were the parents of Kaitlin’s and Jack’s classmates at school. It’s true we were working full-time and had little time for random socializing, but we made time for parent-teacher meetings and other school functions. As Kaitlin and Jack made friends, they were invited to birthday parties and playdates and wanted to invite their new playmates over to our apartment. We made friends with the parents of our children’s friends by default and, through them, were introduced to others in our neighborhood.

We have to admit, though, that our local friend-making efforts in Ireland and France were limited. Not so the efforts of our friend Thom.

Thom, a perpetual solo traveler, made an art and a science of making friends in new places. Thom liked music and played the six-string. He carried his guitar with him wherever he went, through airports, train stations, and hotel lobbies all over the world. Before arriving in a new town, Thom would research local live-music venues on the internet. Shortly after arrival, he’d stop in at one, sit down at the bar, strike up a conversation with the bartender, and, soon enough, get himself invited to pull out his guitar and play a little.

Thom kept all these music lovers’ venues and contacts in his cell phone. As soon as he made the acquaintance of a barkeep, a doorman, a club proprietor, or a fellow musician anywhere in the world, he’d ask the person to type in his or her name and phone number into his phone. Thom coded the entries in such a way that he could search them by location. Next time he arrived in town, he’d call up these local resources and friends. And this time when he showed up for open mic night at any of the venues where he’d already introduced himself, he’d be greeted, as he walked through the door, with a hearty, “Hey, Thom! You’re back! Did you bring your guitar?”

Thom had cards printed with his name and cell phone number. These he handed out everywhere he went. Each time he gave someone one of his cards, he’d make a note on the back: “This is Thom, the guy who likes to play guitar”… or “This is Thom, the guy you met in Club Such-and-Such.”

Thom came to visit us in Ireland often. After his first couple of stays, when we’d accompany him for a night out, he put us to shame. We’d open the door to Geoff’s, for example, one of Thom’s preferred pubs in Waterford, and everyone in the place, nearly in unison, would shout, “Thom!”

We’d been living in the country for more than two years at this point. No one in Geoff’s knew us by name, but everyone knew Thom.

Give A Little To Get A Little

Another great way to begin to assimilate into your new community following your arrival in your new home overseas is to volunteer.

No matter where you land, there will be organizations, big and small, international and local, in need of a helping hand. It all about meeting new people in your new home, giving something back to the community that has welcomed you, and creating an opportunity for you to practice the new language you may be struggling to learn.

Now we’ll hear from another expat on making friends overseas, Kat Kalashian, who’s been in Paris since 2018.

Finding Your Flock Overseas
By Kat Kalashian

One of the greatest challenges when moving overseas is creating a new social circle from scratch…

Your friend group back home was likely built over many years, maybe even decades… numbering a few friends from college, perhaps… some from jobs over the years… a handful you met through parenting… and those you’ve met through your interests and activities, like church, yoga, reading groups, etc.

Then you move overseas… and suddenly you’re all alone. It can feel disheartening to have to build your social life over from scratch.

It’s even harder if you’re retired and don’t have a job that gives you the opportunity to be in close proximity to people every day. Even if work friends aren’t your best friends, a job is always an easy way to meet at least a couple of people you have something in common with. I work from home, so I have this same problem.

You won’t make a dozen new friends overnight, or even in the first year. It will take time to get back the level of engagement you had before. But, with patience and effort, it can be done.

The first way I made a new friend in Paris was through walking my dog. But it was an unconventional friend to make…

I walked in the same park near my apartment every day. And, after a while, I started to recognize the same faces. Called “SDFs” (sans domicile fixe—without a fixed home), the homeless community in France is a well-protected one. SDFs get a check every week as long as they meet certain circumstances, and they can’t really be removed from wherever they decide to set up.

The park by my place was filled with SDFs, and I always smiled and said hi to those I saw every day. After a while, a few of them would strike up a conversation with me. Many were from the Caribbean, and having just moved from Panama, we could talk about this part of the world together. One, Rodrigo, from Guadeloupe, I saw and chatted with often. When I got pregnant, he always asked about my health. And, after my daughter Ariadne was born, he always asked how she was.

One day, in a thick haze of new-mommy fog, I lost my dog Bella. I called every agency that exists in Paris, covered the neighborhood in posters of her, talked to every shopkeeper and café worker, and notified every vet within a half mile. In the end, though, it was Rodrigo who found her and called me to deliver her…

Another SDF had found her wandering. He’d bought her the best dog food he could find and slept with her under his blanket under a bridge that night. Next day, he took her back to where he’d found her to see if he could find her owner or someone who knew her. That was when Rodrigo spotted and recovered Bella for me.

Lesson number one when you move to a new neighborhood: Make acquaintances of those you see every day. Store owners, the homeless, your neighbors… whoever.

It pays to be kind to strangers. Who knows what might have happened to Bella if not for my SDF connection. In the meantime, all the restaurateurs, store staff, and the neighbors in my building had seen the posters and asked after Bella when they saw me. Many of these folks had come to recognize my dog and me long before the day I lost her; we’d become something of a fixture in the neighborhood. I had never realized just how connected I had become to my quartier until then. And all thanks to a smile and a few pleasantries every day over the course of a year.

As for making true friends (as opposed to acquaintances)… that was a little harder. Our first breakthrough was my husband Harry making an Australian friend in his French class. Of the same age, and the only two permanent transplants in the class, they became quick friends. Eventually, we began to get dinner with his girlfriend, too, and now we count them as a couple of our closest friends here.

This, I’d say, is the first thing you should do if you’re trying to make friends. Sign up for classes. Language classes are an easy one, because everyone needs to learn the language of their new home, so you’re likely to meet other recent arrivals in your same position, i.e. needing new friends.

But don’t stop there—join dance, yoga, improv, the gym, churches, libraries, and anything else that interests you. Then don’t be afraid to strike up conversations. Joining the class is only half the battle—you need to go the extra mile and put yourself out there.

My second breakthrough was through the mommy groups I signed up for after getting pregnant. Parenthood was my greatest “interest” at the time. New parents don’t have room for much else besides parenting in their lives, so this needed to be the premise on which we built new friendships.

I met an American and a British mom through an app, and they each turned me onto new groups where I’ve since met more moms, been invited to more classes, and been included in more groups. I can’t stress enough how important meet-up apps and social media were to us making friends. I found my first friends through a mommy meetup app—you’ll need to do some research to find those that apply to you in your new region.

I’m happy to report that, over the last few years here, Harry and I have come to make several good friends who have become so close we’ve spent holidays and vacations with them. It takes time, but if you put in the work, you’ll reap the rewards.

Unfortunately, a common “downside” to meeting friends overseas is that many expats are transient. One of the couples we first became close with here had been stationed in Paris by the husband’s company for two years and moved to Amsterdam just a few months after we met them. It’s a shame to have lost the friends here at home, but on the bright side it means we have an excuse to make regular trips to see them and meet up to discover new cities in between together.

I won’t sugarcoat it—life can get lonely in the beginning of a move overseas… downright depressing if you let yourself dwell on it. You need to work at finding new friends and then work at maintaining those new relationships. If you have become settled into the same social group you’ve had for years, this is a tough job to get accustomed to…

Once you’ve met a few people you get along with, you can’t be lazy or your new friendship seeds will wither and quickly die. But with a little effort, these can thrive into some of the best and strongest friendships you’ll ever have… and maybe even give you the wonderful excuse to travel and discover more together in the future.