Take Time To Make Friends
Dear Student,
One way to stave off the panic I wrote to you about yesterday is to establish a strong support system as soon as possible following your arrival in your new home overseas.
That is, from the first day of your overseas adventure, take the time and make the effort to make friends, with both fellow expats and the locals.
Not only because you don’t want to live a life of solitude in your new home… but, also (thinking more pragmatically), your new friends could save you lots of time and trouble.
We knew not a soul in Ireland when we moved to Waterford a dozen years ago. Looking back now, I realize how much that slowed us down. It took us several years to accomplish in Ireland the things (setting up housekeeping, establishing an office, and, finally, developing a circle of local friends) that we accomplished after only a year in Panama. There, our transition from outsider to local (broadly speaking; no one mistook us for Panamanians when they saw us walking down the street, of course) was seriously fast-tracked.
What’s the difference? When we moved to Ireland, we’d visited that country but a handful of times, and only for a week or 10 days at a stretch, before becoming residents. On the other hand, Lief and I had been spending time and doing business in Panama, visiting for as long as six weeks at a time, for more than 12 years before we made our move to Panama City. In that time, we’d bought real estate in this city, opened bank accounts, installed Wi-Fi, renovated buildings, hired staff, shopped for appliances…
Before we arrived as full-time foreign residents, we already knew how to get around and where to go for help. We didn’t have to place any of those “where do I go to find such-and-such” calls that our friend Chris made during his first several weeks living here. We knew from our own experience where to source the things we needed.
You aren’t likely going to invest in a dozen years of pre-relocation visits to your chosen overseas haven, and that’s not what I’m suggesting. My point is that the quicker you get connected on the ground in your new home, the easier it will be for you to navigate the initial transition from visitor to resident. It’s all about who you know. Our friend Chris didn’t come and go from Panama City for a dozen years before deciding to move here. Yet his getting-settled curve was slight, because he had our phone number on speed dial.
How can you get yourself connected in a new country? The internet. It’s not the place, as I’ve explained, to settle on a new home to buy or rent. It’s not the place to look for an attorney or tax adviser. But it is a good place to begin your efforts to make contact with expats and retirees already where you’ve just arrived.
Go to a search engine and type in “expat resources” or “blog” along with the country name. Sign up for and read free e-letter services intended for expats in your chosen Shangri-la. This can be a great first step to becoming part of your new expat community.
In addition, worldwide, general expat organizations welcome new members. My friend Lucy, living in the south of France, recommends the International Women’s Club (known as the WIC; go to your search browser and type in “International Women’s Club” plus the name of the city or country where you’ll be living to find the local chapter ), a group of expat women who meet monthly. Many nationalities are represented, including French, English, German, Dutch, American, and Danish. In France, where Lucy belongs to the WIC, the monthly meetings are conducted in English and French, and the annual membership fee is $38. The husbands of WIC members also go on excursions and organize regular meetings.
You want also to try to connect with your new local neighbors.
Our first friends in Ireland were tradesmen. Lief and I both were working full-time, departing for the office early each morning and returning home in time for dinner each evening, leaving little opportunity for socializing. Whatever free time I had during our first two years in the country I invested in renovating and then furnishing and decorating the old house in the country we’d bought to make our new home. The general contractor for the project, Noel; the crew Noel brought on board to carry out the work; the cabinetmaker, John, we engaged to build our new kitchen and the bookcases for the library; the architect, David, who drafted plans for converting one of the barns into a guesthouse—these people became our closest friends in Waterford, and we stay in contact with them still.
I like old houses the way some women like new shoes. They’re a hobby for me, my preferred preoccupation. In Noel, John, and David, I found kindred souls. We enjoyed our long days together tearing out walls and building in bookcases. How do you like to spend your free time? Whatever your favorite hobby, you’ll find like-minded enthusiasts in your new home, if you make the effort to seek them out. This is a great way to begin building a new circle of friends, both expat and local.
Another way to meet locals is to hang out where they do. Eat at the restaurants where they eat. Linger in the parks and at the cafes where they also sit to watch the world go by. Learn basic phrases, for example, “It’s hot out today,” as conversation starters. Even such a simple gesture will get you a smile, a friendly response, and maybe a new friend.
In France, our first local friends were the parents of Kaitlin’s and Jack’s classmates at school. It’s true we were working full-time and had little time for random socializing, but we made time for parent-teacher meetings and other school functions. As Kaitlin and Jack made friends, they were invited to birthday parties and playdates and wanted to invite their new playmates over to our apartment. We made friends with the parents of our children’s friends by default and, through them, were introduced to others in our neighborhood.
I have to admit, though, that our local friend-making efforts in Ireland and France were limited. Not so the efforts of my friend Thom.
Thom, a perpetual solo traveler, made an art and a science of making friends in new places. Thom liked music and played the six-string. He carried his guitar with him wherever he went, through airports, train stations, and hotel lobbies all over the world. Before arriving in a new town, Thom would research local live-music venues on the internet. Shortly after arrival, he’d stop in at one, sit down at the bar, strike up a conversation with the bartender, and, soon enough, get himself invited to pull out his guitar and play a little.
Thom kept all these music lovers’ venues and contacts in his cell phone. As soon as he made the acquaintance of a barkeep, a doorman, a club proprietor, or a fellow musician anywhere in the world, he’d ask the person to type in his or her name and phone number into his phone. Thom coded the entries in such a way that he could search them by location. Next time he arrived in town, he’d call up these local resources and friends. And this time when he showed up for open mic night at any of the venues where he’d already introduced himself, he’d be greeted, as he walked through the door, with a hearty, “Hey, Thom! You’re back! Did you bring your guitar?”
Thom had cards printed with his name and cell phone number. These he handed out everywhere he went. Each time he gave someone one of his cards, he’d make a note on the back: “This is Thom, the guy who likes to play guitar”… or “This is Thom, the guy you met in Club Such-and-Such.”
Thom came to visit us in Ireland often. After his first couple of stays, when I’d accompany him for a night out, I was shamed. We’d open the door to Geoff’s, for example, one of Thom’s preferred pubs in Waterford, and everyone in the place, nearly in unison, would shout, “Thom!”
I’d been living in the country for more than two years at this point. No one in Geoff’s knew me by name, but everyone knew Thom.
Kathleen Peddicord
Your New Life Overseas Coach